“Who’s Watching the Kids?” – A Lesson in Parenting Double Standards
How the Childcare Crisis Reflects Society’s Expectations of Women
Last week, a friend of mine shared a story that perfectly illustrates the double standard society applies to child care. She told her boss—a senior male colleague—that she’d be traveling abroad for work for a week. His response? “Who’s watching your kids?”
When she said, “Their dad,” his reply was, “So interesting. My wife would never spend that much time away from our kids. I don’t think she’s ever left them for more than a night.”
This interaction was more than just a comment—it was a judgment. A subtle but powerful critique of her choice to leave her kids in the care of their other parent for a short time, wrapped in the assumption that a “good mother” wouldn’t.
What’s striking is that this man travels constantly for work, leaving his own kids for extended periods. Yet, no one asks him who’s “raising” his children while he’s gone. No one questions his parenting choices or suggests that his career comes at the expense of his family.
This story highlights the profound double standard in how society views parenting. Women are shamed for needing child care to work, for using child care on their day off, or even for taking a break. Men, on the other hand, are applauded simply for showing up occasionally—making their kids laugh or attending a soccer game.
The Childcare Crisis
The child care crisis in our country isn’t just a structural issue—it’s a reflection of how we view women.
Child care is vastly underfunded and undervalued because it disproportionately impacts women. It’s women who are told:
If your salary doesn’t cover the cost of child care, it’s not worth working.
You should consider staying home instead of paying for child care.
But this perspective is painfully short-sighted. For every year a woman spends out of the workforce, she loses significant lifetime earnings, professional growth, and retirement savings. Re-entering the workforce later is an uphill battle.
And when we suggest using family for child care, let’s be honest—what we really mean is grandmothers. Women who have already spent a lifetime raising children, working until retirement, are then expected to step in and raise their grandchildren. This unpaid labor is a continuation of a system that exploits women’s time, energy, and emotional labor.
The bigger picture
We don’t question men’s reliance on child care because we expect it. Men aren’t told they should quit their jobs if their salary doesn’t cover day care. We never question whether fathers are “letting someone else raise their children.” It’s simply understood that fathers work and pursue careers.
This double standard is why the burden of solving the child care crisis falls squarely on women’s shoulders. The system is designed to make it easier to criticize a mother for using child care than to fund child care so that families have real choices.
It’s Time for Change
To fix the child care crisis, we need to stop framing it as a “women’s issue.” Affordable, accessible child care benefits everyone. It enables parents to work, supports families economically, and lays the foundation for children’s futures.
But this starts with shifting how we think about parenting. We need to reject the narrative that child care is a mother’s responsibility alone and challenge the double standards that hold women to impossible expectations.
What do you think? Have you experienced or witnessed these double standards in your own life? I’d love to hear your thoughts and stories—just hit reply.
Together, let’s push for a world where child care is a shared responsibility, not a source of shame.