Lesson Learned: Why Women Are Still the Default Parent
How the value we place on men's time over women’s contributes to unequal caregiving in relationships
The Double Standard of Value: Women's Time vs. Men's Time
As we navigate the complexities of relationships, work, and parenting, there's an undeniable truth that seems to persist in our society: we often place more value on men’s time than women’s.
In relationships, even when women are the breadwinners, they are still often expected to be the default parent. The way this plays out is disheartening. Women, whether working or not, are still often responsible for the mental load of parenting—ensuring the children are fed, taken to school, and cared for while balancing all other household responsibilities. This expectation, especially for mothers, starts early on—during maternity leave. When a woman has a child, she is expected to take on the lion’s share of caregiving, and this continues even if she returns to work.
Despite her financial contribution, a working mother is still expected to manage the home and children in ways that her male counterpart isn’t. Often, when dads do take paternity leave or sick days to care for their kids, they’re met with resistance. Workplaces subtly—and sometimes not-so-subtly—foster a culture that assumes it’s the woman’s job to handle family caregiving. Even as more companies tout their paternity leave policies, the stigma still exists, and men can feel guilty or judged when they take time off to care for their children.
This dynamic feeds into the default parent situation that we see play out in so many households. It’s common for moms, even those who are the primary earners, to take on this invisible, thankless labor. And that can be incredibly draining. Over time, women often feel like they are living in a system that undervalues everything they do, from the emotional labor to the physical work of keeping the household running.
Why More Women Are Opting Out of Being Stay-at-Home Moms
And it’s not just the caregiving that gets overlooked—it’s the fact that stay-at-home moms are often not valued in the same way their partners are. There’s a pervasive narrative that being at home with the kids is somehow less valuable than being in an office earning a paycheck. The work done by stay-at-home moms—caring for children, managing the home, maintaining relationships—is crucial, yet rarely acknowledged as equally important as the work that’s done in a paid job.
This is a fundamental issue of respect and equality. For many women, the idea of being a stay-at-home mom is no longer the ideal choice. It’s not that they don’t love their children or don’t want to be with them, but the reality of staying at home comes with significant risks. The most notable is financial dependence. Many women don’t want to be in a position where they are reliant on someone else for their financial well-being, particularly in the event of a divorce or personal change. But it goes beyond that—many women don’t want to be in a position where they’re told their work is not as valuable as their partner’s, simply because it doesn’t come with a paycheck.
Right now, on platforms like Instagram, many women are questioning when it became controversial to be a stay-at-home mom. They’re asking why it’s seen as less respectable or even outdated to make that choice. The truth is, it’s not the choice itself that’s controversial. What’s controversial is the way society devalues stay-at-home work. It’s not that women don’t want to care for their families—they do—but they don’t want to do so at the expense of their own value, dignity, and financial independence.
More women are opting out of traditional stay-at-home motherhood because they don’t want to be in a position where their time is seen as less valuable, where they are financially vulnerable, and where their work is undervalued. The system isn’t built to appreciate the full scope of what stay-at-home parents—especially stay-at-home mothers—contribute. And that’s why, more than ever, women are seeking balance, recognition, and the ability to contribute in ways that are acknowledged and appreciated.
The Need for Men to Value and Participate in Carework
But here’s the crucial piece: Men need to value carework. Men need to be involved in parenting, not just as helpers, but as equal partners. Fathers should want to spend time with their children and be there for their families. It’s not just about splitting chores or making sure that Mom gets a break—it’s about creating a culture where men are present, engaged, and emotionally invested in their kids' lives. Fathers have just as much to offer in parenting as mothers do, and it's essential that men recognize their role in caregiving.
When men actively participate in carework—whether it’s doing the laundry, making meals, or taking their kids to soccer practice—they send a powerful message: that caregiving is a shared responsibility and that both partners’ time is valuable. We need men to step up, not because women can’t do it alone, but because it's the right thing to do for their families and for their children. Fathers should be as invested in parenting as they are in their careers, and this investment can only strengthen family bonds and create a more equitable society.
How the Default Parent Dynamic Plays Out in Real Life
I recently asked my followers to share their experiences with this dynamic, and the results were eye-opening.
When I asked if they were the breadwinner and the default parent, 80% said yes.
When I asked if they work from home but their partner works in an office, 90% said they were still the default parent.
When both partners work remotely, 80% of women still felt they were the default parent.
Even when women work in-office and their partner works from home, 65% of women said they were still the default parent.
These stats reveal a sobering truth: no matter the setup—whether it's dual-income, remote work, or a traditional arrangement—women are still shouldering the majority of the caregiving burden. And it’s clear that the default parent role continues to be a persistent challenge that needs to change.
Revaluing Women’s Time and Work
We need to shift how we view time—both the time men spend working and the time women spend in caregiving roles. It’s time for society to acknowledge that the labor of motherhood, whether paid or unpaid, is valuable. And it’s time for workplaces and relationships to recognize that caregiving is a shared responsibility, not a role that should fall disproportionately on women.
If we truly want to value women’s time, we need to stop treating their contributions—whether they’re in the home or the workplace—as less important. Only then will we be able to build a society where both parents, regardless of gender, are equally supported in all aspects of life.