Lesson Learned: When Words Actually Matter

Why Are Some Words So Triggering? And When Do They Actually Matter?

Words hold power. We all know this. But sometimes, we don’t realize just how much power they have—especially in relationships, where certain words carry emotional weight.

Recently, I shared a video of my morning routine, mentioning that my husband unloads the dishwasher “for me” before leaving for work and that it’s “super helpful.” Some people immediately took issue with my phrasing—specifically, when I said for me.

I understand why. Saying “for me” can imply that the task is mine to manage and that my husband is doing me a favor, reinforcing traditional gender roles. And while I personally don’t feel that way in my marriage, I know that for many women, words like help or thank you can feel loaded—because they reflect a deeper imbalance.

Why Are Certain Words So Triggering?

It’s not just about the words themselves—it’s about what they reveal.

When a partnership is truly equal, words like help or thank you are just acknowledgments of shared effort. But when one partner carries most of the mental load, those same words can feel like a slap in the face.

For example, when someone says, My husband helps with the kids, it can sound harmless. But if the default expectation is that the woman is solely responsible for childcare, then that word—help—becomes a reminder of how much she is already doing. It highlights the imbalance, making it clear that the responsibility is not truly shared.

Similarly, saying thank you for basic household tasks can feel complicated. In an equal partnership, gratitude is natural and mutual. But if one person is expected to do the work while the other gets credit just for showing up, the words can sting.

Context Matters, But So Does Language

I want to acknowledge that in the greater fight for equity, language does matter. The words we use shape the way we think about roles, responsibilities, and fairness in relationships. It’s important that we treat language as a powerful tool in shifting societal norms. If we want to change the dynamics on a systemic level, then yes—adjusting our language is part of that work. This conversation was a reminder of that.

BUT—I also think that context matters. The same words can mean very different things depending on the relationship dynamic. If a partnership is truly equitable, saying thank you or help isn’t reinforcing an unfair system—it’s just a way of showing appreciation. But if one person is carrying the bulk of the mental load, those words can highlight the very imbalance they’re experiencing. Both things can be true: Language is a powerful force for change, but it also exists within personal relationships, where context is everything.

And I’m still learning. This language is hard to shake. The words we grew up with, the roles we saw modeled, and the way we’ve been conditioned to think about partnership don’t just disappear overnight. But at its core, help means “to make it easier for (someone) to do something by offering one's services or resources.” And in a truly equal partnership, that’s exactly what we should be doing—making life easier for each other, not reinforcing outdated gender norms.

In this case, my husband did make my morning easier. He wasn’t helping me by unloading the dishwasher—he was doing his task at a specific time that made my task (getting the kids out the door) easier. He was not stepping in to "help me with my responsibility" but rather fulfilling his own in a way that benefited me and the kids, too. That distinction is important. True equity isn’t about one person “helping” the other—it’s about both people taking full ownership and working together in a way that makes life easier for each other.

When Do These Words Actually Matter?

Language becomes triggering when it reflects an unfair distribution of labor. If one partner is shouldering the invisible workload of managing a household while the other waits to be told what to do, words like help and thank you become reminders of that imbalance.

But in a relationship where both partners take real ownership of their responsibilities, those same words don’t hold the same weight. They become simple acknowledgments, not loaded statements.

That’s why in my marriage, help doesn’t bother me—because my husband isn’t “helping” me with my responsibilities. We both take full ownership of different tasks, and unloading the dishwasher at a specific time makes my morning easier. That’s why I said for me—not because it’s my job, but because it’s part of how we work together.

What Can We Do About It?

If words like help or thank you feel frustrating in your relationship, the problem isn’t just the language—it’s what’s underneath it. And that’s why the real work isn’t just about changing words; it’s about changing the dynamic.

But language does play a role. We need to be aware of the weight of these words, the context in which they’re used, and how they reflect broader societal norms. The more we examine these conversations, the more we can push for shifts not just in our own homes, but in societal expectations around partnership, parenting, and household labor.

Words matter—but real equity matters more. Let’s keep having these conversations and challenging the norms that hold us back.